iSad

I've heard the cries of the sad readers, and now...the Kingdom of Fuman has awakened from the holiday slumber! Christmas went well. I got my Sega Saturn and have since (by way of used videogame stores and the Internets) amassed a few games such as Myst, Mr. Bones, Panzer Dragoon, Sonic Jam, and NiGHTs. Of course, I can't play Sonic Jam until I get my 4-in-1 cartridge to allow my Saturn to play Japanese games. Oh, and the internal memory is screwed up meaning I can't save my games. Until I get the 4-in-1 that is...I hope. I also received some DS games such as Sonic Rush, Mario Kart, and Mario and Luigi. All very nice games, though Sonic Rush is certainly odd.

Well, the Macworld Expo is going on. I've yet to hear any amazing news about the iPod that was rumored (though they have released an FM tuner for the iPod - nifty, I suppose). In the computer world, however, some good announcements. As rumored, Steve Jobs unveiled the first Macs to use Intel-based processors. There's a brand-spankin' new iMac G5 which promises twice the power of the previous G5's with the Intel Core Duo chip. I'm very content with my current iMac, but I wouldn't mind getting one of these! In a related announcement, Apple has released the MacBook Pro which promises 4x the speed of previous notebooks. Couple that with the addition of iLife '06 and a built-in iSight and you have have a nice little notebook.

What else...? Ah, watching Bill O'Reilly get bashed on David Letterman certainly made me feel good inside.

Coming back to school has not been enjoyable at all. I don't know why I ever agreed to stay for another semester. I feel incredibly down and have seriously considered suicide. Perhaps the only thing that keeps me from heading down that path is that I know I have to live and see Jennifer again. I think about death and dying almost constantly. Not even videogames or music seem to calm me down. At the beginning of last semester, I claimed many reasons for not liking it here such as not fitting in, being surrounded by crap I didn't want to be around, and such. That's still true, but more than ever I feel incredible pain from not seeing Jen.

The first night, I didn't sleep well. My heart kept beating so fast, I was in a cold sweat, I had a ton of acid in my stomach and such...it was like some sort of panic attack without being panicked about a damn thing. I absolutely hate being here, and this time I feel like I might just do something about it. If you're cold, you put on a sweater. If you're hungry, you eat. So, if I'm in a place I'm not supposed to be in, that I don't want to be in, and feel incredible pain being here why shouldn't I leave? It doesn't make sense to go through all this crap when I know it's not worth anything. I hate people trying to shoot down that point by saying how important it is to get a degree. I'm not abandoning college! I'm going to IUPUI!

I've been scaring myself for the past month or so...heck, longer than that. In the past month, though, I've had some truly scary thoughts...I can say with at least 98% certainty that I am psychologically unhealthy. I can't talk to my mom about it. I don't know why I can't just come out and say exactly what's wrong with me, I just gum up when I try to. I'm not sure what's going to happen, but I hope I get things settled before I do something I really regret.

Phew...sorry about the sudden downturn. I've just not been well. Hope you had a nice break, everyone.

-Corey